Disclaimer: This is a very personal testimony that I am compelled to share in hopes that others will be encouraged... His love is deep and so very real to me, I hope those who read this are strengthened.
Saturday August 4, 2018
After being on a solid spiritual high for several days, having been prayed for at a Revival Meeting, which is another story, I began to derail, it was slow and ebbing, and within a couple weeks, I was pretty dry. I had not had good quiet time for three days, the last of which was abruptly interrupted by a family emergency that required me to make the 45 minute drive in to town at 7:30 in the morning. I did pray and sing in the Spirit while driving, but it wasn’t the rich experience I longed for at the foot of my bed.
Earlier that week, my therapist made a profound statement, “You give to others what no one gave you as a child, it is hugely important to you that they not suffer what you suffered…” It is true that I am driven to love demonstratively, show compassion deeply, lift up and encourage and generally spread good cheer.
The next day I woke up hearing lies in my head about how this thing that I do ‘giving to others what no one gave me’ was a disability and actually preventing me from having some very good relationships. That stung worse than anything else and brought fresh tears to formerly dry and happy eyes. I had been doing so well standing in Truth.
I could feel the ‘Other Room' closing in around me. The other room is the one of lies, not Truth, the one that is the physical world not the spiritual one. In the Room of Truth, I am valued and worthy, I am righteous in Christ, I am enough. In the Other Room, all those truths are twisted around and I am a weak mother, I make more problems than I solve, etc. The glow from earlier had all but faded completely away. I still knew truth, but it was being blocked by a wall now.
Before I went to bed that night I texted a friend that I was, ‘falling off the wagon of Righteousness’. I was having a hard time remembering who I am in Christ.
Am I too scarred up to be effective?
Too scarred to love well?
Is my passion a disability?
This is my deepest fear I think.
I usually see it as the result of my childhood and an asset, because I know that God uses our broken things to make beautiful things, diamonds out of dust, beauty from ashes.
I give what I never got and I do so in healthy ways – it is what I naturally do because of the ways I was shaped in childhood and now my own family, my community, the people around me all benefit from it in some way.
Loving on others is my super power.
Like water naturally cascading down a fall in a stream, love and mercy flow out of me. It is His love and it is unstoppable – if I resist or insist on not allowing the flow – He will simply choose a different route to get to where He is going.
So I take this analogy to YouTube and start searching for the video that I can already see in my head, a bubbling brook with a wooden bridge crossing the gap in the land, a space in the rocky bottom that causes the water to plunge in a short vertical drop, out of control for just a split second before coursing downstream again winding around rocks and digging the bed deeper where the soil is loose and malleable.
Saturday August 4, 2018
After being on a solid spiritual high for several days, having been prayed for at a Revival Meeting, which is another story, I began to derail, it was slow and ebbing, and within a couple weeks, I was pretty dry. I had not had good quiet time for three days, the last of which was abruptly interrupted by a family emergency that required me to make the 45 minute drive in to town at 7:30 in the morning. I did pray and sing in the Spirit while driving, but it wasn’t the rich experience I longed for at the foot of my bed.
Earlier that week, my therapist made a profound statement, “You give to others what no one gave you as a child, it is hugely important to you that they not suffer what you suffered…” It is true that I am driven to love demonstratively, show compassion deeply, lift up and encourage and generally spread good cheer.
The next day I woke up hearing lies in my head about how this thing that I do ‘giving to others what no one gave me’ was a disability and actually preventing me from having some very good relationships. That stung worse than anything else and brought fresh tears to formerly dry and happy eyes. I had been doing so well standing in Truth.
I could feel the ‘Other Room' closing in around me. The other room is the one of lies, not Truth, the one that is the physical world not the spiritual one. In the Room of Truth, I am valued and worthy, I am righteous in Christ, I am enough. In the Other Room, all those truths are twisted around and I am a weak mother, I make more problems than I solve, etc. The glow from earlier had all but faded completely away. I still knew truth, but it was being blocked by a wall now.
Before I went to bed that night I texted a friend that I was, ‘falling off the wagon of Righteousness’. I was having a hard time remembering who I am in Christ.
Am I too scarred up to be effective?
Too scarred to love well?
Is my passion a disability?
This is my deepest fear I think.
I usually see it as the result of my childhood and an asset, because I know that God uses our broken things to make beautiful things, diamonds out of dust, beauty from ashes.
I give what I never got and I do so in healthy ways – it is what I naturally do because of the ways I was shaped in childhood and now my own family, my community, the people around me all benefit from it in some way.
Loving on others is my super power.
Like water naturally cascading down a fall in a stream, love and mercy flow out of me. It is His love and it is unstoppable – if I resist or insist on not allowing the flow – He will simply choose a different route to get to where He is going.
So I take this analogy to YouTube and start searching for the video that I can already see in my head, a bubbling brook with a wooden bridge crossing the gap in the land, a space in the rocky bottom that causes the water to plunge in a short vertical drop, out of control for just a split second before coursing downstream again winding around rocks and digging the bed deeper where the soil is loose and malleable.
When I fire up my laptop, the first image that lights up the screen, the inspirational one from Microsoft, happens to be, a ginormous waterfall in Iceland.
Nice, but not at all what I'm looking for, so I don't even recognize that it's a waterfall in that moment . This is the kind of scene that takes your breath away, it is powerful and awe inspiring… my vision is more serene, relaxing, quiet.
The search is frustrating. After narrowing my query several times and opening a dozen not-useful videos, I click on “Southern Oregon Waterfalls and Crater Lake”, a compilation of several streams and rivers, maybe I’ll find something good in there…
It opens with the name of the first location, Watson Falls, huh, never knew there was such a thing and it’s too tall and there is too much white water, this is not what I’m looking for. And then they fade to a new angle and it’s even more powerful, this is not what I had in mind at all, it is why I didn’t just look for footage of Multnomah Falls, the most famous one, a sight that I’ve seen a hundred times in real life because it’s right on the freeway between my dad’s house and my mother’s childhood home. Anyway, here is this roaring thing not the gentle “it just goes down a little ways because it has to” rolling thing that I had imagined and all of a sudden
I.
Catch.
It.
This is Watson Falls.
Watson is my maiden name.
God is laughingly telling me that His love flowing through me is bigger than a gentle rolling thing. Merri Watson-Mickelson is a real live conduit through whom the power of the Holy Spirit actually does something,
and THAT takes my breath away.
The search is frustrating. After narrowing my query several times and opening a dozen not-useful videos, I click on “Southern Oregon Waterfalls and Crater Lake”, a compilation of several streams and rivers, maybe I’ll find something good in there…
It opens with the name of the first location, Watson Falls, huh, never knew there was such a thing and it’s too tall and there is too much white water, this is not what I’m looking for. And then they fade to a new angle and it’s even more powerful, this is not what I had in mind at all, it is why I didn’t just look for footage of Multnomah Falls, the most famous one, a sight that I’ve seen a hundred times in real life because it’s right on the freeway between my dad’s house and my mother’s childhood home. Anyway, here is this roaring thing not the gentle “it just goes down a little ways because it has to” rolling thing that I had imagined and all of a sudden
I.
Catch.
It.
This is Watson Falls.
Watson is my maiden name.
God is laughingly telling me that His love flowing through me is bigger than a gentle rolling thing. Merri Watson-Mickelson is a real live conduit through whom the power of the Holy Spirit actually does something,
and THAT takes my breath away.
Perfect Love is the water,
I am a place in the cliff that opened up to let it flow and fall.
I have no desire to block that!
My childhood and nature and DNA were made for this flow.
The moss is life that comes from this naturally occurring phenomenon,
people who've been encouraged by me accidentally/inadvertently.
The rivulets that are created represent recipients who allow it to flow through them as well, especially and specifically, my children.
The rocks represent those who experience the flow, but resist/refuse change.
I am a place in the cliff that opened up to let it flow and fall.
I have no desire to block that!
My childhood and nature and DNA were made for this flow.
The moss is life that comes from this naturally occurring phenomenon,
people who've been encouraged by me accidentally/inadvertently.
The rivulets that are created represent recipients who allow it to flow through them as well, especially and specifically, my children.
The rocks represent those who experience the flow, but resist/refuse change.
And just like that, the glow is back, the Truth is clear, I am worthy, valuable, righteous in Him, loved and being used.
Take care! And let Him flow through you today!!
Take care! And let Him flow through you today!!