A couple weeks ago, I was pondering life's ebb and flow, how we really do live in seasons and experience stormy and still times. I was girded up then when I got the call two days later that my only biological brother had a massive subdural hematoma (brain bleed, no clotting). It was the result of having been on Cumadon, a blood thinner, to treat Lyden's Factor V genetic disorder. Yep, here was a real live storm!
I flew back home to gather with my family at his bedside, but his upper brain was severely damaged and he died shortly after we removed life support. He was an organ donor and his final act was helpful, in harmony with his whole helpful life. Lyle was always the one to come in with a screwdriver or homemade tool to rescue a broken whatever.
Part one of the storm was the phone call. A complete interruption to my, at that moment, nicely organized life. The schedule had been all laid out to accommodate guests and begin school two weeks later. The winds blew all my plans out the window.
Then I left my family here and role as homemaker and head mistress to be with my family there, clean out his apartment and play little sister, daughter, next of kin. God graciously provided shelter during this time through a lovely friend (CATS) who had time and energy to accompany me through those days.
Part three involved coming back home to care for this little flock, celebrate P's Birthday and sort through the hundreds of pictures Lyle had taken over the last few years.
Part four: flying back for the weekend to attend his Celebration of Life, so thankful for long visits with family; the cousin who was closest to Lyle in age; aunts and uncles; friends from our youth. Flying home on Sunday morning I was full of memories and sleep deprived, so the emotions had no dam holding them back. So many questions and memories, wounds reopened after decades.
Part five taps into the long grinding process of grief. This grief is for so much more than my brother's death. The events of the last weeks surface so much from my past, a history that threateningly brings into question the whole walk of my life. I understand salvation, I struggle with discipleship. I was willing to give God complete and utter free reign over my life from the moment I bowed my knee until I take my dying breath, but I have not come to terms with the things He allowed, and in fact deemed His best for me, before my conversion. It is a terrible place... I discovered I hold much against the Creator of the Universe, I cannot express how horrible that makes me feel, but it is the truth.
My course of action will be to press forward believing that He is good in all things and will one day show me His purposes. I will act on truth not feelings. I will consume His Word and continue to step forward though my vision is blurred. I must. This is the moment His Word comes alive and passes the test.
It is a storm, in a season and it will pass. But, I wonder if it might be a highly significant storm, Lord, help me gain what You have for me here in this moment.